a little unwell...

The last day or so has made it so difficult to trust God, and made me so so depressed. I didnt get my job, which means I have to go to HK (and maybe China) in the holidays, cant stay here because I couldnt find a job (its a parents thing, not like I wouldnt choose to stay here even if i didnt have a job.) The lady on the phone said that they're only been after 2 people and so I didnt get it. I thought that they were looking to hire like 5-10.

But something much much worse happened last night. This group assignment I'd been doing, worth 30% in maths, was due today, and my group told me last night that they were going to kick me out because I didnt do anything.

I was pretty upset because this would mean I'd fail for sure, and that they had given me no notification that they were unhappy with my performance, at least not until the last minute. I figure that if you are unhappy you either inform the person well in advance, or you put up with it. You cant just let someone think they are in the group, then last minute kick him out.

But the thing I was most upset with is my own sinfulness. I knew I hadnt done anything, because I wasnt up to date with my assessments. I wasnt even close to up to date; I'm still on week 1 material. I spent all last night (after I was informed I'd get kicked out) reflecting on this and I just cant stand myself. I cant even start to think of what a bad Christian I am for letting this happen. Its difficulty to reflect on how your own sinfulness and I asked God to strike me down.

I think we say things to each other like, just trust God, trust that his plan is for your good is pretty empty. I know thats what I should do, but when you are really suffering, or really finding it hard to live with yourself, that is pretty ..... just empty words